I have been sick for 2 weeks. I know that’s not a long time, but it’s long enough. And the Major has been sick, AND the Beast has been sick. Imagine a sick gal, her sick husband, and her barfy dog all under one roof, all sick at the exact same time. That’s a house full of sick. It’s gross.

 

 

As I was brushing my hair this morning, I started to think about all the things I’ve learned the hard way. Maybe it’s because I had a nearly disastrous  incident with the concealer today and just about walked out the door with a fat stripe down the centre of my face.

I caught that one. I think I’m getting better at catching things. Maybe I’m becoming more observant or maybe I’ve just embarrassed myself enough times to think a bit more before speaking, walking out the door with a fat stripe of concealer down the centre of my face, or doing just about anything.

Whatever the reason, I started to think that perhaps I might be able to share the lessons I’ve learned with others, in the hopes they might either prevent someone else from making the same mistakes as I did.  I would like this post to serve as an ‘in my experience’ kind of thing and if I’m able to save just one person the smallest bit of embarrassment, then this post will have served its purpose.

Here we go.

BEAUTY

In my experience:

  1. waxing your own eyebrows is unwise. i once waxed a hole in the middle of my right eyebrow.
  2. waxing your own
  3. thinking that covering up any holes you might wax in your eyebrows with mascara (not waterproof) is a mistake. especially if you plan to go to the gym that day.
  4. cutting your own hair = recipe for disaster.
  5. waxing your own legs.
  6. waxing your own bikini line.
  7. in general, i think we can agree that waxing your own anything is unwise. leave it to the professionals, dear.

HEALTH

In my experience:

  1. if it hurts, get it checked.

GENERAL

In my experience:

  1. taking your mother’s sony discman into the washroom with you (for any reason) is not a smart thing to do. fishing it out of the toilet is never a pleasing experience.
  2. if you put a dent in your father’s car, and lie about it and he believes you, it works best to wait until his 70th birthday to tell him the truth.
  3. american presidents cannot sit 3 terms, so don’t embarrass yourself in public by questioning the possibility that president x might get re-elected for the third time.
  4. telling a little white lie can snowball if you’re not careful. For example, you should never tell  your accounting teacher, for any reason, that you’re late for your exam because car was broken into (when really, you just overslept). he will give you extra time because he feels badly for you (especially if you tell him it was because your car was broken into) and you will feel guilty. and you should. because you are.
  5. there is no ‘A’ in the word furniture.
  6. quasimodo is not japanese. his name is not spelled with a ‘t’.

I’m going to stop there for today. Not because I can’t think of any others to add to the list, believe me, I have a treasure trove of these things, but rather because I really should do some work. I will add more later. This, I promise. In the meantime, if you can learn from the wisdom of my experience, I am happy. If I have saved you an iota of shame, I have done my job.

i have been grappling with the same question for most of my life…what do i want to be when i grow up?

at a certain point, i have to accept that by conventional definitions, i am grown up, and i still have no clue.

NO CLUE!

when i was 5 i had it all sorted out: i wanted to be a teacher and a mommy. yeah, that’s original, ain’t it? today, i have no idea what i want to be (other than happy & healthy).  somewhere along the line, things get more complicated and you have to become responsible.

it sorta sucks.

So in continuing my quest to work out what I am….I have found another thing I am not. I am NOT that person. You know the one…

The one who complains about every little thing so the world can hear how irritated (and irritating) I am. Sure, I complain about some things, but usually just to my mom or maybe Jim.

The one constantly seeking the limelight. For me, it’s enough to know that the light might occasionally shine in my direction because I did something to deserve it. I don’t need its full glare on me at all times.

On Friday night however, I was that person…despite my proclamation to the contrary. Jim and I went to the movies. We decided to see Law Abiding Citizen. It’s new. Rotten Tomatoes says it sucks. They’re probably right.  It wasn’t a memorable film. HOWEVER, here is my rant and here is the reason I became THAT person on Friday night.

After we’d found our seats and Jim went off to get our popcorn, two boys, maybe 13, maybe 14, came into the theatre and sat in front of us. Jim came back and I immediately shoved my face into the bag of popcorn he bought me. How nice of him. Nothing unusual about the evening so far.

About 20minutes into the film, I became very uncomfortable. It’s pretty graphic, pretty sick (if you are the kind of person to stop and think about the movies you watch), and downright inappropriate for the boys who were sitting in front of us. Again, I am NOT usually that person. So when the inkling to become that person strikes, I tend to listen to it. I whispered to Jim…I don’t’ think those boys are supposed to be here. Jim said, ‘Shhhh….trying to watch the movie. If you feel that strongly, go outside and say something…to the usher, but let me watch the movie’. I didn’t do anything. I shoved my face back into my popcorn bag and ignored the pit in my stomach. But then there was another scene that made my stomach turn. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I had to go and find the usher.

The first thing out of my mouth once I found the usher, was, ‘I’m really not this person. Normally, I wouldn’t do this.’. I then went on to ask the usher how old you had to be to get into the movie, expecting him, of course, to tell me that it’s Restricted. NOPE! Its rated 14A. Apparently, someone somewhere in the movie rating game, thinks that movie is appropriate for a 14 year old. I was horrified…still am, for that matter. I think the movie is unremarkable in every way, and really not appropriate for kids.

But that’s just me, and I’m NOT THAT PERSON!

i am not a strong dancer. i don’t think it was ever really in the cards for me. i tried ballet when i was little, but both my belly and my boobs were too big. and i didn’t have great posture, which i think, is a prerequisite.

i am definitely not a skilled soccer player. i tried that too, but i never went to the washroom before the games (or the practices for that matter) and my dad told me he was tired of paying for a uniform, shoes, and coaching, when all i seemed interested in doing was peeing in the bushes.

i’d like to say i can knit, but anyone i’ve ever tried to knit for will probably tell you otherwise. i did make a cool sock puppet one time. his name is pierre.

cooking doesn’t really come naturally either. but i do try.

one time, when i was at the driving range (i think the ONLY time i have been to the driving range), i was told that i have a good natural swing. it’s a pity i can’t make contact with the ball.

so far this is a long list of things i’m not very good at. this blog is an opportunity for me to find out what i AM good at. consider it my journey.